the answer that could never be found

I've spent a lot of time recently looking inward. Thinking about what I want. And by that I mean what I want from life and also what I want to be in when I "grow  up."

As a child, the options are endless. You can want to be a singer, a dancer, an astronaut, a doctor, a vet. Years go by, and eventually the childhood fantasies are meant to end. You find one thing you like, are good at, or can at least stand, and that's what you do - if you're lucky.

There's no college degree for the perfect job. And really there is no perfect job. So many of us spend years going from one job to another looking for fulfillment. It's something that plagues my generation (and me!) maybe more than the older generations. Not that people older than I don't deserve to be happy or to find that fulfillment from a job - they do - but they tend to stick it out better than I do.

This morning I thought about what I would do if time wasn't an issue - if money wasn't an issue. And if fear weren't an issue. I really thought about it. It's a question I've considered a lot, but usually my answers move to the focus of money and how I need more money to do the things I want. And my answers move to how the things I want could make me more money. Or to doing the thing I know I am good at.

I'm the sort of person who collects quotes. I have a whole board on pinterest dedicated to words that matter. There are plaques hung in my house with thoughtful quotes. I have blog posts dedicated to pretty words. I used to have a whole journal of just quotes. But those quotes have just been words for too long. They haven't been truth for me.

I've been vocal about the fact that I concentrate too much on the next phase of my life. I've said that I need to learn how to let go. And I've tried. But I haven't completely released the grasp I have on controlling my life and thus stifling my dreams.

I bought that plaque in California during Spring Break. I was in college and went to Los Angeles to visit my aunt. My dreams were endless then. I didn't have a mortgage or bills or anything to keep me from living my life to the absolute fullest.

I was a writing major in college. I started as a nursing major and then changed to an English major before settling on a degree in professional writing through the journalism college. Many of my hours were spent writing for class and for fun. Short stories, articles, fan fiction at one time, and eventually a novel for a class.

My college apartment was a two-bedroom apartment, and my bedroom walls were painted yellow. I loved sitting on my bed with my back against the wall and MacBook or Dell (depending on the year) in my lap. Hours were spent there with keys on the fingers. Sometimes I moved to the couch in our living room with purple walls and wrote with the television on.

That apartment was home to me. I felt safe and comfortable there. Creativity flowed. I don't know if it was the apartment so much or the freedom that came with college. While I worked three jobs and had a full load of classes, I had time to do whatever I wanted.

They say you make time for the things that are important to you. And I agree in a lot of ways. But how do you make time for all the things that are important? How do you master that balance?

I've been working on balance this week. Less time has been spent in the gym and more time has been spent focused on my diet. My brain has been wracked with blog posts and questions about how I want to spend my time. And I keep coming back to three things: writing, healthy living, and serving.

I miss the girl I was in the college. The one who could balance a social life along with those three jobs and full load of classes - the one who only got one C at OU. The one who had dreams of living in New York City and writing novels and doing all these things because of the love of the written word and the sound of clacking keys not because of any other reason.

I'm become more intune with that girl from college now than I have been in years. I'm letting go of all these expectations that I think I should have and moving away from the order I think my life should take. I'm bidding farewell to comparisons of my life with another person's life and saying hello to who I am and want to be.

Growing up, my dad read me a lot of Dr. Seuss. In fifth grade, he read Oh! The Places You Will Go to my class. I gave him the book with a personalized inscription one year for Christmas because I started to realize just what that book said and meant. I started to realize how badly my parents wished for me to go to all the places I dreamed of.

I've always been allowed to dream and to wander. But I've been the person to squash my dreams and say they aren't possible. I've taken all the wonderful things people have said and denied the truth to them. I've told myself that being an author isn't possible. That I'll never find success the way others have.

But the thing is? It's not about success. It's about doing what I love and loving what I do. That has everything to do with writing and everything to do with weight loss.

The question about how to spend my time is a complicated one. But the answer is oh so simple. Of course the simple answers are sometimes the hardest ones to come by.

I don't know what this realization means for this blog other than I am going to do my best to stop tracking page views, and I am going to just write. If it's too serious for some, then fine. If there isn't enough, fluff. Fine. And if it's not motivation enough, that's okay too. It's not about them; it's about me.

And as far as the rest of my writing, I am just going to do it. I am going to find time to curl up on our purple chair and write with my feet propped on the matching ottomon. With exercise, I am going to seek out inspiration when I need it and jump onto the elliptical or go to a class because I enjoy it not because I need or want to lose weight.

I'm going to start living my life the way I did in college: with no restrictions and with a determination to enjoy every possible minute.

There's a plaque on our living room wall that reads "I don't want to make money. I just want to be wonderful." It's by Marilyn Monroe.

That's what I want. To be wonderful. To live out my dreams. To enjoy every minute. And if the money follows? Even better. But I won't be chasing that money. I'll just be chasing the dreams, the worlds, the wonderful, and all the places I can go.

(title from "let love in" by the goo goo dolls)

the end of fear is where we begin

picture found here

The past weekend was exhausting. It was full of discussions, small arguments, more discussions, and the list goes on. I think I communicated more with my husband than I have in some time. We talk daily (multiple times a day), but sometimes, we don't fully communicate. It's not necessarily for lack of trying (though sometimes it is) but more from not knowing how to form words and sentences that express how we truly feel or think.

I'm a person who likes to have everything planned out, and I do not do well when things do not go according to plan. I am also a person who works, works, works, and then collapses from the exhaustion and stress I have put on myself. I also overthink every little thing. And I overworry.

My husband is a hard worker. He will follow a plan, but his plans are more fluid while mine are more rigid. He doesn't worry the way I do or overthink things.

In many ways, it's good that we are opposites. A house of two of me or two of him would likely not function as efficiently as it should. A house of one of me and one of him is more efficient but also makes communicating more difficult. It's hard for me to understand where he is coming from and also hard for him to understand where he is coming from. Which is how we got to this weekend.

We talk a lot. But we don't always listen. We talk a lot. But we don't always communicate. And after a busy week, after feeling overloaded in every department of my life, after holding on too tightly to how I think things should go, I lost it. A few times. And he was there - to break through every wall I built up (even though I did my best to get him to just let me be).

That's how real communication should be. While it's good to give each other time to rest, sometimes we need someone ot force the issue at hand until we are forced to let go of all the things we've held back. It's not pretty, but it's necessary. And our communication wasn't pretty, but it was necessary.

I don't really know how it all started or why I held so much in. But I know this much: it was my fault. I put on the mask that everything was going well. I talked about how much faith and trust I had in God, in the fact that everything would work out. I talked and talked and talked, but there was very little truth behind the talking. I wanted it to be true, but I was holding onto my plans, my desires, my fears, my everything - instead of letting go and opening up to the possibilities God had in store.

Now that it is all out in the open, I feel exposed - in a way I never have before. And it's scary. It's terrifying to know that God knows, that my husband knows the truth - the truth I thought I could keep to myself. And when I wake up every morning, there is a little panic that goes along with having people know how you really think and how you really feel. Every morning, I ask God to help me continue to trust Him. Every morning, I remind myself that I do trust Him. I repeat those words often so that they will become solid truth in my life.

When things started to happen on Saturday morning, I read a post on incourage.me about trusting God through the trials. My husband was at work that morning, and I commented to our roommate about how the post resonated with me. And it did. Though now it resonates even more.

Like I discussed earlier, I am reading Deutoronomy, and I am learning how much it speaks to my life. The lessons are hard but relevant. And reading about someone else's struggles to trust God through difficult times is relevant. Even more relevant now than I thought it was when I first read it. Right or wrong, I want God to lead me into easier times. I am ready for His blessings and His peace and His promises, but just as the Israelites traveled the desert in wait, I also have to wait.

I talked about some of this with a friend last night, and she asked me if I truly felt like God were leading me somewhere currently. I thought about the question for a moment before I answered. I'm not sure. It almost feels like we are right where He wants us to be. But I do not want to be here. I am trying to learn to accept where we are, but it's a struggle.

This friend of mine is currently living overseas. We spent a summer teaching in China together, and our friendship bloomed from that time. Now that she is halfway across the world, instead of a two-hour drive away, our friendship is deepening. Her words and stories about her travels speak to me because they remind me of how many different ways God can teach us all the same things. He just tailors the lessons to our specific needs.

So now I am trying. I am trying to not leap but to sit. I am trying to not run but to wait. I am trying to not close my eyes but to trust.

(title from "let love in" by the goo goo dolls)