this weekend....

I arrived at the Oklahoma City Zoo before 7am on Saturday.

And walked three miles around the zoo - seeing zebras and other animals. 

The purpose was to raise awareness and prevent suicide, as well as to remember those who have been lost. And I rediscovered a passion to be there for people.

I spent Saturday afternoon napping on the couch with two of my favorite dogs. Brandy is pictured here.. 

We tried a new local restaurant on Saturday, and I ate the bison burger. It was delicious.

Sitting outside, we enjoyed the grey sky, cool air, and city we live in. I felt grateful and hopeful for living where we do.

I drank a frozen caramel blend coffee (with whipped cream) and ate a cupcake before taking this picture. They weren't the healthiest choices (something I am struggling with right now), but it was nice to enjoy.

I also enjoyed time with my husband and friends watching a live band at a local coffee shop. It helped that one of our friends was in the band.

On Sunday morning, I didn't set the alarm and lounged in bed, instead of going to the gym, while the dogs chewed on bones. Rascal is pictured here. All he really wants to do is sleep, eat, cuddle, and chew.

I ate frozen yogurt with my mother-in-law. We tried a new shop, and my favorite flavor was the no-sugar added strawberry.

I also purchased new clothes in a smaller size. It's exciting to me to be able to buy smaller clothes even though I get frustrated at how every size is different at every store and with every brand.

We gathered with people from across the city and participated in corporate worship. God reminded me of His presence and made me excited to serve Him and serve this city. He also reminded me (all weekend really) that He is in control. I will daily be saying "I trust You" and asking for guidance instead of going my own way.

And I finished Sunday night with homemade red beans and rice. We ate dinner sitting on the couch surrounded by our dogs - our little family that I so love.. 

My heart is full. So is my stomach. My mind is racing. My hips still ache from the three mile walk (pulled tendon), but I feel ready to tackle the next week and excited to see how God moves in the next few days. He has a purpose and a plan. And His way is always best. I can't wait to stop worrying and allow Him to do His work in me.

hope is springing up from this old ground

suttons bay, mi sunset.

A little over a month ago, the most amazing thing happened. It was (and still is) unlike anything I have ever experienced. The events of that night changed my life then and continue to change my life now.

For one, I appreciate both the sunrise (which I see on my way to work in the mornings) and the sunset more thna I ever have. I now see those daily events as a remind of God's beauty and His promises. I also see those daily events as a symbol of how, no matter what the circumstances, life continues on. The sun will rise and set no matter the weather, no matter the horrible situations of the world, no matter how willingly (or unwillingly) I get out of bed. There's beauty in that, so much beauty. Sunrises and sunsets are also a reminded that after the darkness there is light. Always.

That night continues to come back to me. Sometimes it sweeps over me and fills me with grace and wonder and love. Sometimes, when I remember, I am filled with impatience and wondering when those promises will come true. Last night, and then this morning when I made coffee and lunch for my husband, I was filled with impatience.

Impatience. And frustration. And discontent. And anger. Then more impatience, more frustration, more discontent, and more anger.

In the past, I've asked for these feelings to be lifted from me. I have asked for direction. And I've gotten some relief and some direction. This morning, though, as I laid in bed with the dogs and remained warm under the covers, I told God about how much I wanted to go out and spend money. I was open with my anger and my frustration. I explained that I was not strong enough to do any of it on my own. I said I wanted to do things my way, in my time, but that I couldn't anymore. And He met me right where I was.

Actually, that's a lie. He more than met me. He showed me my past mistakes, my past attempts at doing things my way (and how they ultimately failed). He then showed me His grace and how, even though I didn't wait for Him as He asked, He loves me enough to care for me even when I push away from Him.

Then, He made me a promise. In my sleepy stupor, He promised that everything would be all right. He promised that He would care for the brokenness, and that He would step in. I'm not sure how it will happen, but I know it will happen. And really that is all I need.

I also know that with this promise comes responsibilty. I have a responsibilty to Him and to follow through with the things He has laid on my heart. Things like living in minalism. Things like pursuing Him and not things of the world. Things like opening my home to others and loving people where they are.

I'm not strong enough to do any of this, but He is. Just as He makes the sun rise and set every day, He will meet me every day I ask and provide me with the strength I need. He will also provide me with the clarity I need, and He will remove the fear I have over letting go of the things of this world in order to make more room for the things of Him.

I won't be perfect through it all, but He will be. I won't be a beautiful sunrise every morning or a peaceful sunset every evening. But He will work through all of my dirt, dust and pollution; and He will clear it all away to make room for a beautiful sunrise and sunset.

(title from "beautiful things" by gungor)

the path is clear

I completed the first official edits of my novel on Friday evening, and last night, I began rewriting the novel. It wasn't my intention to rewrite 206 pages, but the voice feels right, in comparison to the first draft. Such is the life of a writer, I suppose. I am now seven pages into novel and enjoying the sound of Snow Patrol playing on the speaks and my fingers hitting the keys on my computer.

A feeling of peace and of knowing that this time in my life where I need to be washed over me this morning at church. It's a feeling I've clung to for the past several weeks, but this morning it took me by surprise.

I'm thankful for the feeling. The uncertainty and struggle is still fresh in my mind, and I know how dark and destructive the uncertainty and struggle can be. I also know that without the uncertainty and struggle I would be unable to recognize the peace and certainty.

For the first time in months and months, light is shining down on us and on our path. There are still shadows, but I can see where God is leading us - more than just one step at a time. I firmly believe writing has much to do with this because I know the call of the written word was placed on my heart upon my creation; it's just taken me several years to fully consent to the call.

When I wrote this specific novel the first time, I was a senior in college. I had just returned from China. I lived in a two-bedroom apartment with my best friend (and roommate of three years). I worked in a daycare. I spent a lot of nights (and money) on Campus Corner. I was constantly moving and changing and thinking and going, going, going. Now, I am married. I live in a 1700 sq. ft. hours with my husband. I work in social services. I spend my evenings either at home, with our community group, with our church youth group, and so on. It is the first time in my life that I am not going, going, going. I think the stark differences will lead to a much different perspective with the novel, and I hope this is a good thing.

Most authors will tell you that the setting of where the writing takes place is important. And it is. I am still finding my setting for writing. Currently, it is in the corner of our sectional couch. I am hoping this is the right place.

Most authors will also tell you that music is important, and it is. I am currently putting together a playlist specifically meant for times spent writing and thinking about my novel. Much of the music is music I have listened to for years and years, and while I love it, while it inspires me, I need help finding other music. I am going to include a few of the songs I am currently listening to in hopes that I can hear some new suggestions.

1. "Simple Together" Alanis Morissette. You've been my golden best friend. Now with post-demise at hand, can't go to you for consolation 'cause we're off limits during this transition.
2. "Just Say Yes" Snow Patrol. I'm running out of ways to make you see. I want you to stay here beside me. I won't be ok and I won't pretend I am, so just tell me today and take my hand.
3. "I Never Told You" Colbie Caillat. I see your blue eyes everytime I close mine. You make it hard to see where I belong to when I'm not around you. It's like I'm alone with me.
4. "On Your Way" eastmountainsouth. All the nights reflecting in our chance connecting help me find the meaning in the life I had with you.
5. "Resolution" Nick Lachey. Living life without a plan, finding solace where I stand and learning how to love again, and all I want is something real that I can feel.
6. "Beautiful Disaster" Jon McLaughlin. She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant, afraid to see that she's lost her direction. She never stays the same for long, assuming that she'll get it wrong.
7. "Comin' Home" City and Colour. I've seen a palace in London. I've seen a castle in Wales. But I'd rather wake up beside you and breathe that ol' familiar smell. I never thought you could leave me; I figured I was the one.
8. "Dream" Priscilla Ahn. Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave. I lived it full, and I lived it well; there's many tales I've lived to tell.
9. "Been a Long Day" Rosi Galan. I'm finally feeling like its ok to break into a thousand pieces no one can replace. Only I can find my way.
10. "Days Like This" Kim Taylor. And all I wanna do is live my life honestly. I just wanna wake up and see your face next to me. Every regret I have, I will go set it free. It will be good for me.

(title from "just say yes" by snow patrol)