hold my head up high

picture found here.

Every day, I drive thirty minutes from my house to my office. The gym I typically attend is within walking distance of my office, which is why I am often able to spend my lunch breaks in the pool either swimming laps or participating in aqua zumba or deep water aerobics. It's a great asset to my current position, but on the weekends, it means I can't spend time at the gym because it is not worth the gas (or the time).

I struggle on the weekends. Both with eating and with activity. Especially right now when it is already 100 degrees outside at noon. I knew I needed a solution to the problem, and so, a few weeks ago, I began searching for a cheap (no more than $20 a month) gym membership.

After a lot of searching and a lot of discussion with my husband, I found a local gym that offers memberships for $10 a month. Following an 8-hour day of work, I took myself to the gym and signed the paperwork. Tomorrow will be my first day working at my second gym.

Work is also changing and getting busier. There are more meetings to attend, and for the next few months, several days a week will not allow a lunchtime workout. Add to that the fact that the meetings will occur five minutes from my house and not five minutes from my office, and it only made sense for me to find and agree to a second gym membership.

One of my favorite things about the gym that I signed up at is that it is directed to people just starting the work out routine and to those wanting to stay fit. There is an almost endless row of cardio machines and classes offered throughout the day that teach you how to use machines. I'm often so overwhelmed at the gym near my office as so many of the people are more in shape than I am.

It's silly to be insecure. I've talked to several people who have agreed that I have no reason to be insecure. A friend of mine even told me that seeing people who aren't fully fit at the gym inspires her. Her exact quote (thanks to my text message memory) was: "When I see someone at the gym who is overweight and working hard...I get really happy. It's so inspiring to me to see people going out there regardless of anything and just doing it."

I know she is right. And it makes me happy that I am getting out and exercising no matter what. But I still struggle with feeling comfortable on the machines and especially with free weights in hand. I hope that one day I will feel comfortable. That it won't always be back in the mind that I don't know what I am doing. And that I won't compare myself and my work out to everyone else around me.

But being in the gym this afternoon? I didn't feel like I would need to compare myself to others. There is an opportunity for personal training, and even at 5:45pm, plenty of machines were available for use.

I'm so close. Yes, there are still 79.6 pounds to lose, but I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I will make it. There is nothing standing in my way, especially now that I have the opportunity to attend two gyms.

I felt it at work today. Nothing specific occurred, but as I walked up a flight of stairs, I noticed that I wasn't short of breath and that my knees didn't crack or hurt with every step I took. And I felt lighter all day. Both physically and mentally and spiritually.

And I needed this. The weight loss. The lightness. A solution to the problem of not doing something active during the weekends. A second gym membership that will keep me from ever having any excuses to not exercise.

I always think about the big moments of this journey. A new dress bought. Before and after pictures. The possibility of a new wardrobe. But the small moments - like walking up the stairs - mean so much, if not more than, the big moments.

The big moments don't happen so often. But the small moments? Those can happen on a daily basis. And they do happen on a daily basis; I just have to be open and receptive to the small moments.

Starting the day, I should have known that something would happen - that something would click. Because the day started with an email that included a verse. The verse was Jeremiah 33:3 which says "Ask me and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come."

And I asked. Quietly. Almost afraid of hearing no response. But I asked. And He responded. With a small moment - a moment that reminded me that even if I don't think it, He is always present and always working.

A moment that reminded me that He will always keep His promises - even when I wonder.

(title from "think good thoughts" by colbie caillat)