weight loss wednesday (week 8)

Today’s Weight: 224

Total Loss: 41 (I lost one pound over the past week - finally!)

What I craved this week: I didn't have any specific cravings - except for more soup. Really, when I ate something I shouldn't have, it was because it was there - not because I was craving it. So I am going to do my best to stay away from eating things that are not good for me - even when it means saying no to eating at certain places and spending time with people at restaurants.

What I noticed was different about my body: I bought semi-fitted crop pants. The kind I never thought I would be able to wear. You know the ones that are a little tight and do not have a tie around the waist. And my butt looks good in them. Or at least decent.

My body is strong, and I am so much more capable than I thought. I ran a mile in 11:30 on the elliptical this week. It was my fastest mile ever. And just two days prior I had run the mile in 13:30 thinking I wouldn't be able to go any faster for a while. But I can and I did.

Workouts planned for this week: Lots of running on the elliptical. I also purchased new resistance bands to help strengthen my legs, so I plan on utilizing those as well. I want to make sure I get in enough cardio and weight/resistance training. Time to be strong and lean! I started fighting off a cold on Monday morning, so I'm not sure what my morning work outs will be like. I would love, love, love to fit in a spin class or swimming at some point this week. I used to be able to do those on my lunch break, and I miss them dearly. Maybe on Saturday?

Personal Goal(s) for this week: No more diet coke or diet anything. My husband and I sat down for dinner Sunday night, and I devoured delicious sashimi and fresh summer rolls. And he told me how worried he was about my love of diet coke and how he wanted to support me in being "hard core" about getting healthy. He talked about the negatives of diet coke and how he felt like drinking it would negate any other progress I made. So I am listening and giving up the best carbonated drink ever.

I'm also ready to get better. I came home from work sick on Tuesday and spent lots of time on the couch. My fever finally broke after bundling up with fuzzy socks, a sweatshirt, and two thick blankets. Luckily I've done well with my eating while sick - turning to tomato soup instead of macaroni and cheese which is my comfort food of choice.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week:

What I'm looking forward to: Nailing down a workout schedule. If I am going to do this (and I am), then I need to stick to a schedule. Also working out to Taylor Swift's new CD, Red. And running at least one 5K on the elliptical. And finally a full week of good, healthy food decisions.

so lead me back

I've been on this journey for longer than I like to admit (it started back in the middle of 2011) and much longer than I like to think about. I've had both setbacks (like this one and this one) and successes (like this one and this one); though the setbacks seems to outweigh the successes. And through it all, I've wondered why it is that I have yet to cross the finish line. I've wondered why so many other people have been able to do it while I just can't seem to.

I'm not quite sure there's an answer to the question why. If there is, I'm not quite sure I want to know what it is.

What I do know, right now, is that I have to make hard decisions. What I do know, right now, is that I have to be the change. I have to say no to eating at certain restaurants. I have to not just give in because it's easy. It's not fair to expect others to plan their meals and life around me, so I have to plan, pick, and choose around me.

I have to truly put myself first - which is honestly the hardest thing for me to do. My heart and my passions are for caring for other people. But if I don't stop and look inward... if I don't spend time focusing on myself.. then I'm never going to cross the finish line and I am always going to let someone else be the priority. I am always going to wonder why I just can't do it.

On Sunday, I said no to lunch at a local Mexican food restaurant. I told my husband to go, and I stayed home. After eating too much Saturday night, I just knew I couldn't do it.

Temptation is always there. I did well Saturday. I chose a grilled chicken sandwich and chili for lunch at Steak N Shake over a double steak burger and fries. I watched others enjoy a milk shake and instead sipped my diet coke. For dinner, I chose food off the under 500 calorie menu at Longhorn. And I said no - repeatedly - to cake, but after hours of seeing the cake and smelling it, I couldn't say no. And so I ate a rather large slice along with a little container of ice cream. 

I just don't have the willpower right now. I know what is best for me and what works for me, but really, more than anything, I want to be normal. I want to be able to enjoy foods in moderation like it seems everyone else can. But I am not that person. I am not someone who is happy with a sliver of cake or a single scoop of ice cream. I want a large piece with lots of frosting and the biggest bowl of ice cream.

It's exhausting being this way. And it's lonely. And hard. But I can't continue living in a state of equal (or greater than) setbacks compared to successes. It's not fair to me or to my health.

So I am going to continue to take myself out of situations. And I am going to make a commitment to myself every single morning. And when it gets hard, I am going to pray for help because I can't do this on my own.

(title from "ghosts that we knew" by mumford and sons)

hello monday (week 1)

Hello, Monday. And goodbye weekend. I can't believe how quickly you arrived. To be honest, I kind of wish you would have been slower to get here. I need more than 48 hour weekends. Could we maybe try doubling the weekend time? It can be our little secret.

Hi, husband. Thank you for all your hard work. Kissing you early Saturday morning (like 4:15am early) and then heading back to bed while you headed off to work reminded me - yet again - of your servant's heart. I'm beyond blessed to have you as the leader of our family. Here's to hoping that next weekend I don't have to kiss you quickly and then bid you a good day at work.

Hello, work week. I'm always a bit anxious for you to start. And this week is no different. I know you'll be filled with to do lists, stress, chaos, and a few unexpected items. Sometimes I don't think I will survive you but I always do. Heres to hoping I kick your butt this week.

Hi, new house. I walked around you on Saturday and snapped a few more pictures of you thus far. I am really ready for you to have electrical wiring, insulation and sheet rock. I'd also love for you to have carpet. But I'm doing my best to be patient and learn all the lessons you're already teaching me. November 15th is less than a month away. Can't wait to call you all mine!

Hello, running. Because of you I think I have plantar fasciitis. It has to be the running - not the cheap but oh so adorable flats from Target, right? Right. I just want you to know I forgive you and that I will not give you up. Oh and that mile I ran in eleven and a half minutes last week was AWESOME. Can't wait to run more miles and even faster!

Hi, Taylor Swift. Your album drops today. I am SO FREAKING EXCITED. I think you and I could be best friends in real life. Seriously. So call me.. maybe?

Hello, husband (again). Thanks again for loving me. And pursuing me. Can you believe everything happening in our lives? Unbelievable. I'm glad you are so calm when I am so.. not calm. You always help me to find my way back. I love you for that.

Hi, Jesus. What lessons do you have for me to learn this week? I'm open to hear what you have to say, and I am going to make my way through the week with palms up ala Bob Goff. Thank you for always sticking by me, always pursuing me, and giving me strength when I don't feel like I have any. I need you more than anything.

PS: Come mingle at Meg's blog!

making me feel right

the front of our house in process.

We have an actual house right now. It's no longer just framing and windows. We can't live in it yet, but it is beginning to take shape. The more it comes together the less afraid I become.

And I have been afraid. Last week, I couldn't sleep on Friday night. I was too worried about colors and windows and lighting and furniture and all these questions. Did I make the right choices? Was this all a mistake? Could we even afford a new house?

This isn't my dream house. My dream house is nestled in Norman, OK and out of my price range. But this is the house I will be able to dream in. It's a house of over 2,000 square feet and three bedrooms. A house that will propel me from one stage of life into the next. A house that will cover us in warmth and cool us down when we need it.

We're still a month or so away from moving in, but already I've learned so much from this house and the process we've gone through to get to where we are right now. It's all been by the grace of God.

I've learned (and am still learning) to just trust the process. I've learned to see God as sovereign. I've learned that God really does work all things together for the good of those that love and trust Him. This blessing has shown me that. I've learned that there will always be work to do and that not everything will be perfect but that's a good, God thing. Because if things were perfect, we would just rest in that and never try to grow or change.

I've seen just how blessed we are. We're living with my husband's parents right now - awaiting the time when we can move into our new home. Our dogs are loved and cared for, and we go to bed every night warm or cool - whichever we need to be to sleep comfortable. We're able to save money like we've never been able to before and that has allowed us the chance to breathe and to dream.

the view from the back porch. our lot ends at
the white post.

Having room to breathe and to dream is allowing me the chance to look into the future with excitement and not fear. We're not ready for a lot of "next steps" right now - like starting a family - but we are inching closer. I never really thought I would be ready but I am right now thanks to this house.

I'm also seeing how this is all a part of God's plan. He knew when it would be time for us to sell our first house. He knew where we would and should settle into our second house. We're moving west. We don't know many people there yet but we do have friends. And we have the open sky and a Christmas tree farm to look at.

It doesn't make sense - how we can somehow get everything in this house - but that's how God works. He just does His thing - even when we don't understand because His way doesn't have to make sense.

(title from "everything has changed" by taylor swift)