FREEDOM

I struggle with letting go.

I also struggle with holding on.

It's a struggle that is deeply ingrained in me. I can't seem to release the plans I had for myself. I cling tightly to the things I once thought were important and fight against all that God has laid before me. I miss the days of yesterday when things seemed a bit simpler.

And I long to go back. To change words that were said. My words and the words of others. I overthink mistakes I've made and relive hurtful conversations. And sometimes, with all that, there are more mistakes and more hurtful words. Mistakes that I make, hurtful words I say, and also the actions of others that pierce my heart.

I've been quick to judge sometimes. Quick to jump to my defense and wonder why it is that things are happening. But God's been restoring me lately and has sought to repair those hurts by reminding me constantly of the hurts I've caused others and then helping me to reconcile those things with Him.

And I've had to let go. God has pried my white knuckles from relationships, from the past, and from what I decided the future would look like. He's wiped the slate clean countless times and reminded me that He loves me enough to give me a future that is more lovely than anything I could dream up.

I've been blown away lately. Truly blown away. But I've also found myself drifting into dark places where all the joy that surrounds this time in our lives is threatened to be taken away. The darkness has not won, though, and it never will. Because God's light shines brighter than anything.

It all sounds so cryptic. And while I long to spill all the details, I know it's my own humanity that longs to spill the details. The truth is that the details don't matter. What matters is that God has taken every ugly thing and used it to make my life more of a reflection of Him.

I want that more than I've really ever wanted anything. I want my life to reflect Him at all times. And by staying in a place of hurt and anger, I don't reflect Him at all. In fact, I hide Him and all that He is doing in my life.

Yes, there is a place and a time to seek counsel. To sit down with other believers and spill my heart for them to see and help to heal. But that place is not one in which I am filled with judgement. That time is not one in which I'm seeking justification for how I feel. Rather that time and place is when I've cried my tears and truly want to move on.

I'm moving on now. With grace. And with help from a God who knows better than I do and is so much stronger than I could ever be. And it's hard. It's harder than anything.

I constantly remind myself to pray. To pray for myself. To pray against any anger or hurt. To pray for the people I feel hurt by. To prayerfully seek forgiveness for any hatred in my heart and for any pain I've caused others. To pray for guidance, for continued strength to move forward, and for a clear path. To pray for knowledge.

There's still a long ways to go. By no means am I where I need to be. But God has been beyond faithful. He has given me peace when all I feel is hurt and anger and a passion that threatens to boil over into something else. He has placed people into my life who have spoken truth and given me the ears to hear the truth when on my own I would plug my ears and ignore anything that was said.

He has reminded me of His forgiveness and what that means. He's given me a heart for prayer in which He calls to mind different people and I pray over them. He's given me a vision for the future and taken away that anxiety that threatens to claim me when I think about how different the future looks for me.

I could say that this all has to do with foster care and embarking on this journey of motherhood. That would be true. I know God is pruning me and breaking me of my habits and filling me up with love so that I'm a little more prepared to be in the position of being a mother. But there's so much more to it.

He's raising up a new person. He's reminding me that the person I once was is no more. And while I've known that for years, I've never truly accepted it to be truth, and so I've found it hard to move past certain issues in my life. Like weight loss. He's telling me that it's no longer okay for me to hide or hold on but that it's time to let go and simply let God.

Of course, letting go and letting God is never simple. It's anything but simple. Because it takes away any resemblance of control we once thought we had.

I don't remember the last time I had true control. Between knee surgery and embarking on an adventure to become foster parents and moving congregations and opening up our lives to become community group leaders, I've been more dependent on God and on others than ever before. And while I still crave control (and have a ways to go until I fully relinquish control), God has shown me how in control He is and has taken care of every single need I have.

There's freedom in that. It's a scary freedom but still it's freedom. Freedom to believe that it's okay to let go. Freedom to forgive. Freedom to be forgiven. Freedom to open myself up to loving others. Freedom to listen to what others have to say. Freedom to bare my heart. Freedom to not judge.

And that freedom is so much better than holding on and never letting go.

frequently asked questions - foster care

1. How old are the kids you're planning to foster?
One is a teenager and one is a toddler. And both are girls. My poor husband is going to be outnumbered. He has already requested that friends be his alternate caregiver.

Me? I can't wait to buy clothes for both the kids. My poor husband may need to get an extra job or two in addition to having an alternate caregiver.

2. What made you want to foster?
I've been a social worker for about 5 years now. And since the beginning, I've known I wanted to foster and adopt. There are so many wonderful kids who simply need to be loved and told they are worth something.

We (meaning I) had planned to wait for another year to begin the process, but God apparently had other plans.

3. Do you want your own kids?
I understand this question. It comes from a place of curiosity (I think), but it's always a hard one to answer. I tend to get a little overly passionate when it comes to foster care and adoption, and sometimes I take questions personally.

For me, it doesn't matter if I birth a child or if someone else births the child. They can still be my child even without shared DNA. That being said, I'm going to consider any child that comes into our home my child. And I'll care for them as I would care for my own child.

As far as getting pregnant? I don't know.

4. When did you know that you wanted to be a mother?
I never really wanted to be a mom. I never understood it, and I thought that I would spend my days without children. And then this need for foster parents became very clear to my husband and I, and all of a sudden, I was a mom.

5. What is the hardest thing about fostering?
Our kids aren't in our house yet, so that's hard. The other thing that is so hard is how thankless foster care feels. We have an amazing support system through our church and the close relationships we have with members of our church. But there are a lot of people who don't seem to understand why we're fostering. I want to be able to explain it to them but I tend to get a bit overly passionate, so I'm letting God work on my heart and my tongue so that I can talk to people in a way that will really reach them.

6. How can you foster knowing the kids may leave?
How can I not? Foster care isn't about me or what I'm doing. I'm not doing it for myself. I'm doing it because every child deserves to have somewhere to call home. And I'm doing it because God has called me to. Also I'm not amazing for doing it; I'm simply obedient. And really my life is the one that will be changed more than a child's.

I know not everyone is called to foster, but we're all called to do something. God is the one who will provide guidance on what that something is. And these kids, these wonderful and amazing kids, need as much help and whatever kind of help people want to give.

Someone from our church bought paint so that we could turn our spare bedrooms into homes for the kids. Someone else from our church is going through the painstaking process of taping off chevron and stripes in the rooms. Another friend from church is hemming a prom dress for a girl in foster care. We have friends who have offered to be alternate caregivers and help us bolt furniture into the walls. Justin's grandma gave us a crib. One of the therapist's from my physical therapy donated a small suitace and clothes for the teenager. And countless people are actively praying for us.

Those things mean the world to me. Seeing so many people come together to help us and love on our kids reminds me of what the church is meant to be. I love that we all get to be the church to one another and to kids who may never have known what love is.

7. You get paid for fostering, right?
I hate this question, too. Because it hurts me - cuts me to the core. I know people ask because they don't understand. And I want to educate people. However, I feel like there is such a stigma attached to being paid for foster care.

Do we receive a stipend? Yes. And it all goes back to the kids. We also will receive help with daycare. I equal it to taxes for couples with their own biological children. When you have kids, you get a tax break. When you pay for daycare, you get to write some of those expenses off. We won't get a tax break or be able to write off expenses.

Also, we're not yet approved, and we won't be fully approved when the children get placed. Which means we won't receive the stipend. And I almost don't want the stipend. I know it will help, but I already consider the kids as ours and as such I will do everything I can to care for them - regardless of the stipend.

There are some people who foster for the money, and it makes me sick. These kids are people. They deserve to be loved and not seen as a paycheck. Also the stipend is nothing, so I can't comprehend how or why people would do this for the money.

8. Why did you have a shower?
Because we wanted to celebrate. It doesn't matter that the kids are already born. They deserve just as much celebration as an unborn child. And we wanted to include people in our lives - to show them what we're doing and why. We also wanted people to have the chance to meet our kids. This question hurts me because it makes me feel like I'm worth less than someone having a child biologically, and it hurts me for the kids we're getting because I want to provide as much as I can for them.

I'm so blessed to have a friend who got it and threw us a shower. I loved getting to fellowship and show off our kids. I also loved that other friends brought their foster children. I held one little boy and fell deeply in love with him and his 8-month-ol chunkiness.

And we have a lot of needs. This is our first time becoming parents, and so just like any first time parents, we need things like bottles and cups and playpens and toys and clothes and diapers. We still have a lot of those needs and are on the look-out for good deals. Some of our needs were filled on Sunday, and we are so grateful.

9. What do you need?
We still need diapers. And a stroller. We also need a bedding set. And toys. I would love a second playpen, too. And that's just for the toddler. For the teen, we need things like a hair straightener and a comforter set. I could honestly continue the list, but the stuff isn't the most important thing. Yes, it helps, but love and support and friendship and prayer are more important. God has called us to foster, and so I know He will provide. We're registered at Target and Babies R Us, and I plan to look for similar items at garage sales.

9. What do you wish people knew about foster care?
A lot.

I wish people were more accepting. I wish more people would talk to us about our decision to foster. I wish that people didn't think it was so weird. I know it's different and confusing and that people have a hard time understanding it. But I'd love for people to truly talk to us about it.

I also wish people knew how common it is. Since we announced our decision to foster, we've been able to meet others who share a similar heart, and I've loved getting to know those people and have loved that so many people have come alongside us to help us and support us. It brought me so much joy on Sunday to see that happen.

I also wish people understood how little these kids often have. It doesn't matter how old they are; they still have needs. So many kids in foster care move with just trash bags full of belongings. They store some things at offices because they can't take everything to their new "homes" and often those "homes" are not permanent so they lose more every time they move. That's one thing I want to make sure of. I want every child, especially our soon-to-be kids, that this is their home.

I also wish people knew that they could do something. Really do something to change lives. And I wish people would talk to me about it more. I would love to be able to share my heart.

linking up with lauren for heart + home today.

today tomorrow & the day after that

the girl behind the blog (a vlog about passions!)

Can I just say how excited I am to get to link up again for The Girl Behind The Blog? I love this prompt. God has been doing such a huge work on my heart when it comes to passion and the callings He has placed on my life. I am so excited to get to share with you all today!

If you want to learn more about why we're fostering and our journey (so far), here are the posts you should check out:

Our Announcement.
God ruining my life for the orphan.
Foster Care is a JESUS thing.
Learning to have grace.
Not everyone is called to foster but we're all called to help.

As much as I hate that I had knee surgery, I'm thankful for how God is using it to teach me. And as frustrated as I am that I'm not 100%, and I am more than frustrated, I'm grateful that I'm getting stronger and that I'll soon be healthy and able to return to work and able to love on lots of kids.

He is good, y'all. So, so good. And He desires to give us all good gifts - even though the gifts may not seem good at the time. I can't wait to see how God is moving in everyone else's passions and lives!

how ever long it takes

We entered the church on Sunday and immediately were greeted with "We're praying for you today. After announcements." I knew that it was the plan and yet I was still shocked and still nervous. That moment reminded me of how big prayer is. How powerful and personal it is. How loved I felt to know our church was standing behind us and beside us and loving us in a million little ways.

The past few weeks have been boring in many ways. Nothing big has happened. I'm not suddenly running miles or sweating on the elliptical or enjoying an hour of spin class. I'm still slowly and quietly working through physical therapy and getting stronger - trying not to be constantly discouraged by the lack of progress I want to see.

There also haven't been any bolts of lightening. We've been praying through things. Seeking wisdom and stepping out of our comfort zones in hopes of God becoming bigger than we are and moving in a huge way. He's moved. I've felt that daily as He reveals things to me. But there are so many unanswered questions and prayers that He hasn't yet revealed. So I wait.

I'm overwhelmed by the prospect of foster care and adoption. It's a leap of faith. I know plenty about social work and the system. But to have a child in my own, a child I open my life up to and love in whatever ways I can? That's something else entirely. I know this is the right choice - that God has called us to the place. And I know He will provide for us along the way. But still I find myself overwhelmed.

So to have people come alongside us and love us and the love these kids means more than I can express. It's what my heart needs. It's allowing me to find rest in Him and to remind myself that He is at work and He will provide for all the needs we have. It also reminds me that while neither I nor my husband are enough to parent that He is.

So many people have said that we're amazing for taking on this challenge. I laugh and usually say "or just crazy." We get told how strong we are. And how there need to be more people like us in the world.  I always appreciate the sentiments but the truth is that we're all called to do things that seem a little crazy. We're all called to be different and live life in a way that makes people ask what it is about us.

For us, our calling is to the orphan. Our calling is to loving the children who need a safe place to live to for however long. It could be only 6 days or it could be 6 years. And while we are here to love those children and support them, I can guarantee that any child we have in our home will change us more than we could change them.

I've already learned so much, and they aren't even officially in our house. 

I've learned to have grace upon grace for people and for myself. I've learned that it's okay to ask for help and it's okay to be upset when people don't understand. I've learned that God has a bigger plan than I could imagine and that I simply need to rest and trust in Him during this time because none of it makes any sense to me on my own.

I'm opening myself up and sharing more of my faith with people. For so long, I felt ashamed and afraid to share. I didn't want to offend anyone. And now I know that it's important for me to talk about. My faith is a part of my life, and if people can not understand that, it's okay. What matters is that I stay true to myself and to the life I am called to live.

Also I'm learning to forgive. I'm forgiving myself and forgiving others. And I'm learning how to hold my tongue and watch my words. I want to speak life to people - not to tear them down. And I'm learning how beautiful forgiveness is. He's using that so much right now.

Forgiveness and grace. Those are the gifts He has given me so that I can be the mother I need to be for the children coming into our home. Because I know that I won't always be recognized as a true mother by the world's standards. These kids may never truly be ours. They may legally belong to someone else. But it doesn't matter. No matter what the world says, they will be loved, and I will have my Father to turn to on the hardest of days. And I know there will be days more difficult than anyone could imagine.

(title from "i love you this much" by jimmy wayne)

mountains high or valley low

I discover She Reads Truth a few months back. Without that reading plan, I would be lost on what to read. I get so overwhelmed when I sit down to read my Bible. So many of the books and verses seem over my head. And I never know where to start or what I need to read.

The current reading plan is about prayer. I never really thought prayer was something I struggled with, but it is. I've realized that over the past few weeks as I've faced a lot of uncertainty and also found myself questioning a lot of the future I had planned out for myself.

I struggle with praying about my hopes and my dreams. I might mention them once, but I'm not good at going to God continuously with them. The current reading plan mentions praying and provides guidance on how to pray, so I've been doing that this week. Rather than praying out loud or quietly in my head, I've started to type out the prayers and save them on my computer. I want to be able to go back and read back over them in the months to come and see how God moved and changed my life.

A lot of the prayers are extremely personal. And I'm learning how important it is to keep some things between God and me until I'm ready to share. And then I generally only share with close friends and my husband. I want to see Him move and then share His movements as part of my testimony.

But prayer is communal. We are all called to pray for one another. We are called to speak our needs to each other and be vulnerable with the people we can trust - the people we are in community with. This means stating our true prayers and not just always falling back on saying we have unsaid prayer requests.

These are some of the prayers right now. The ones I feel it's okay to share. Lift them up for me, and let me know in the comments what I can pray about for you. God moves more in prayer than in anything else.

(title from "love came down" by kari jobe)

and then Jesus did something else (a follow up post)

It took me a lot of time to write about how becoming a foster parent and looking into adoption is a Jesus thing for me. I thought about how missional foster care is for months. I listened to people point out that our taking in children points back to the gospel and pondered their words. I also listened as other people said hurtful things. I felt myself wonder if we were doing the right thing and ask myself why I couldn't just be "normal" where I decide I want children, and my husband and I decide to have a baby of "our own."

When I hit publish yesterday, I felt a sense of relief. I was glad to put out there my feelings. But that post wasn't really about me. At least I never meant for it to be about me. Instead it was meant to be about foster care and adoption. To remind myself that the kids in foster care need just as much love. To remind other that the foster parents need a lot of support to.

I got a lot of support yesterday. And I needed that. This week has been a bit more difficult. I've been a bit more impatient and frustrated and unsure about things in life. But the responses gave me peace. I was reminded, again, how big God is and that He is constantly at work during this time in our lives. You can never be reminded too much of how big He is.

God did something else yesterday. He worked on my heart some. I love and hate when He does that.

What He did yesterday was remind me of times when I've said hurtful things. He reminded me of times when I haven't been as excited for people as I should have been or wanted to be. He reminded me of times when I let my own junk get in the way. And He reminded me of the grace so many of those people have shown me.

I don't regret what I said yesterday. I think there isn't a lot of knowledge on foster care or adoption. There isn't a checklist that explains how to help and support people. And for many, foster care and adoption is something you don't talk about. It's a hard subject.

What I do regret is how I've reacted to some things people have said. While I've tried to educate, I've also spent a lot of time licking my wounds. I've spent a lot of time questioning my relationships. I've spent more time upset than I should have.

As this was all happening, I was on my way to dinner, at dinner with friends, and then on my way home from dinner. One of the girls posted on facebook, following dinner, about how grateful she was for how different our group was - filled with different strengths and passions. It had nothing to do with what I was working through, but it reminded me of how important words are.

Words can tear people down. Or they can build others up. I can't take back hurtful words I've said in the past. But I can always ask for forgiveness. And then I can move on - being excited for people in the new seasons of their lives and supportive of them. I can react to other people in the way they need - the way we all need. And I can hope that my joy for them will help them to be joyful for another person.

We need more grace in this world. I, for one, need to give more grace. It's something I struggle with on a daily basis. And it's something I will continue to struggle with. I've mentioned before never saying never again. I'm adding something to that. I don't ever want to say anything that is not affirming to another person. I want God to be in control of my words and my actions. I want to love people in a way that points back to Jesus - ALL people not just those who understand or support fostering.

I'm no better than anyone else. Truly. Sometimes I feel like I am more messed up than anyone else. Like I need Jesus more than anyone else does. And yet, I've been called to, alongside my husband, open my house up and care for children who have nowhere else to go. That boggles my mind because I honestly feel like I'm not cut out for this, like I am too jaded and hurt and enter any other adjectives you can think of. But He sees things differently.

I am so thankful for the people in my life who see me differently that I see myself. I am so thankful for the people who will come alongside me and rebuke me when I am wrong. For the people who remind me of how my words can cut and for the people who forgive me when I ask for it. I am so thankful for the people who stand beside us and support us. For the people who fight for us in prayer and seek to love us when we're often the most unloveable. I am so thankful for a husband who has the same heart and love for foster care, adoption and orphan care that I do.

Last night, after I had worked through most of this (but before it fully set it), I said something to my husband about buying gifts for other people when we're in this season of needing to fill our house with items for two children. And he told me to treat others the way I would want to be treated. That was a reminder I needed desperately. A reminder that came alongside me and whispered that the world would be a much better place if we all treated others the way we wanted to be treated. The people who love me the best make me want to love others in the same way. Those people are the ones I strive to be like. Those people are the ones I want to bless when it's their turn to start a family. Those people are the ones I want to live in community with. I just hope that from here on out I can be one of "those people" to others.

foster care & adoption - it's a JESUS thing (also known as why i may lose friends & followers)

Lately, I find myself struggling. It's not a bad struggle really. Rather it's a spiritual struggle. I'm trying to rectify what the Bible says with the way we live our lives.

The Bible calls us to be missional. The entire preface of the Bible, the story of the gospel, is for us to GO. We are called to talk to people, invite people into our lives. So much of my life has been spent not being missional. Sure I've worked in positions that allowed me to help people. I've been a social worker. I've fought for children and families. I've helped individuals get through the tangled web that is the foster care approval process. But I've done all those things as my job, as what I say I am called to. Still I've been able to clock out and leave it all behind.

Stepping out in faith and beginning the approval process for foster care has shattered my ability to leave it all behind. Instead, I'm constantly fired up. I'm ready to take on this challenge. I want to share my story with people. I get angry when people say things about wondering why we're fostering. And I get protective of the 9,000+ children in the state custody of Oklahoma.

This is why I went to work for the state right out of college. This is why God entwined my story with Justin's. This is why I've been placed at the church we attend.

My heart is for the orphan. All of them. For the children who are forgotten. For the children who have never been loved. For the children who need someone to fight for them. For the children who, at no fault of their own, have been born into situations more difficult than we can imagine. And I've tried to think of how to express my heart without hurting people's feelings. I've tried to be understanding that foster care is "new" to people we know. I've tried to accept that we are weird because of how we're growing our family.

I can't really do that anymore. I'm sick of being understanding. I'm sick of smiling through hurtful things people say and then crying when I get home. I'm sick of not calling people on their lack of care for the orphan. And I'm trying to figure out what to do with these feelings. I'm trying to come up with the words. It's hard, though, to summarize how I feel about all these things.

And so I've had writer's block. Because all I can think about is foster care and orphan care. I'm consumed with fear, excitement, and God's peace over inviting two children into our family. I'm distancing myself from people who don't support us because I simply find it hard to be around them. And I'm determined to make sure that these kids, the ones in our home and the others in custody, know that they are loved.

If people are going to say hurtful things to me, ask me questions that sting, chances are I won't want our kids around them. Because I refuse for any child to feel that they are less than simply because of how they joined our family. And I feel like a lot of people look at those of us who foster as less than. Which is not how it should be. (NOTE: We have a lot of wonderfully supportive people. I thank God for them every single day. We could not do this without them.)

Just because you don't give birth to a child does not make you less of a mother. Just because a child may leave your home does not make them less a part of your family. Just because we're not having a baby of our own right now does not mean we are not parents.

I could honestly go on and on. I know not everyone is called to foster or adopt. But everyone is called to care for the orphan. So if you aren't one who wants or could foster or adopt, then support those who are.

(PS: For those of you who don't know, we will have two children in our home by the middle of May. A teenager and a toddler. We start our classes in May, we finally got our initial house assessment approved, and all of our paperwork is turned in. Any questions about our decision to foster? Feel free to email me. Want to help us? Feel free to email me as well. We have quite a few needs as the children that are in foster care generally enter homes with nothing. Want to help in other ways? Feel free to email me. I can give you a whole list of ways to help in Oklahoma.)

my head alongside my heart

How is it that one event can simultaneously be one of the best things to ever happen to you and also one of the worst?

That one event for me, right now, is knee surgery. It might not be the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. (It's not.) And I am sure there may be many more worse things on their way. But right now, my life feels consumed by knee surgery.

It's been just over two months since I had the surgery. I thought that, by this time, I would be cranking out the miles on the stationary bicycle. That I would be showing off my newfound quadricep strength. That I would be back to work. But I am none of those things.

I rode the stationary bicycle for the first time on Monday. Eight minutes. No resistance, and I didn't spin fast enough for the monitor to come on and register that I was there pedaling away. In fact, it was hard. I could feel it in my IT Band and struggled not to compensate by letting my right foot due most of the work while my left foot flopped and moved so I wouldn't have to work so hard.

I'm not back at work. That makes me feel like a failure. Even worse I feel like I'm not making the most of my time off. I'm not writing as much as I should. I have lots of arts and crafts projects to work on. And yet, I find myself just sitting. I've had things to focus on but I haven't used the time to do things for myself or better myself. Rather I have almost punished myself for being off work. It's hard to do things I enjoy when I feel like I shouldn't be able to. Not sure if that makes any sense (it barely does to me).

I know that the knee surgery was necessary. One of the reasons this recovery is such a struggle is because I have needed the surgery for longer than I realized and for longer than I wanted to admit. My fall in December made it so there was no other choice, but I had ignored the signs for years prior.

And I know that one day I will be glad I had this knee surgery. When it's easier to participate in spin class (not that spin is ever easy). When I can go up the stairs using both legs. When I'm back to normal. When I don't have to worry about tripping and falling and feeling the agony of a dislocated, and then relocated, patella.

But right now, in the somewhat early morning while I waste a bit of time before physical therapy, I'm not glad. Right now I am struggling with the knee surgery. Right now I am fighting away fears that I'll never fully recover. Right now I find myself stuck in a place that I don't quite know how to get out of. Jen Hatmaker called it the duldrums, and I think that's what it is. Because there's no depression or anything like that. There's just a feeling of being stuck.

I've gained weight since the knee surgery. Not a lot by what the scale says. But it's still weight. And maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me, but I feel like it's obvious. It's a gain of about eight pounds. And for over two months of knee surgery recovery, two months of very little activity and too much Chik-Fil-A and macaroni and cheese, it's not a bad gain. But I want to stop the number from climbing any higher. I'm the one who has to stop it. Who needs to deal with the kitchen and refrigerator and ease of the drive-through.

And even though sometimes it feels like there is nothing but negativity stemming from the surgery and this recovery, I know there is good. I'm rested. More rested than I have been in over a year. I'm happy, in a lot of ways, with the direction our life is taking. Announcing our plan to become parents and then seeing the progress that is slowly being made has been good for me. It's been a reminder that things are happening.

I'm realizing more and more what my passions are. I know what issues get me riled up. And I've rediscovered a strength to fight those issues. I want to share my passions with people and with the Church. I want to remind everyone of how important the issues are and of the positions we are all in to do something about those issues.

And I'm gaining courage. Not a lot just yet (or I probably wouldn't be struggling with the duldrums) but enough to spur me on and remind me that I can do this and that God's hand is in all of it. Enough for me to step out of my comfort zone and allow Him to take over on certain issues. Enough for me to really wonder and dream of certain things. Enough for me to fully open myself up to possibilities I had ignored for a long time.

I still don't know what all of this means for my blog. I have plenty of weight left to lose. And I need to do something about losing it. I've been complacent and taken a back seat to it for a long time. That means I need to truly deal with the issues of why I haven't lost the weight. It's not as simple as me cleaning out my refrigerator and buying produce. I know that about myself. I don't want my blog to be only about weight loss. Because, for me, that would lead me into an unhealthy relationship with myself and with food. I refuse to let that happen.

I also don't want my blog to only be about parenting or foster care. Though those things are important. However, there's not a lot I could share, and therefore the blog would remain silent.

I also don't think I can write a blog dedicated entirely to faith. Yes, my faith runs throughout the posts and is always there, but I don't think I could come up with enough content to always write about it. Because I have days when I just struggle.

Maybe it will be a combination of it all. A better reflection of my life as a whole. We'll see. Right now, my life is recovery. Right now, my life is fighting the duldrums. Right now, my life is waiting.

(title from "i will wait" by mumford and sons)

where have i been?

I've been such a bad blogger. I want to be better. I really do. And I have so much to share. It's just that things like fighting with the IRS over taxes and trying to get the ball rolling on our approval for foster care and adoption and also going to physical therapy have gotten in the way.

Also? My life is boring. My weight loss is stagnant. And I am wrestling with a whole lot when it comes to life and God's plan for my life.

I promise I'm working on it. This getting back into blogging. Because I miss it and I want to share. It's just taking me a little while.