high five for friday (link up)

1. Our fence went up on Wednesday. I can not wait to sit in the backyard, drink wine, and look at the stars. And yes that is a Christmas Tree Farm behind our house.

2. I went to look at Christmas lights with some of the staff and residents at the group home on Monday night. I loved listening to Christmas music and attempting to take pictures of the creations.

3. Furniture shopping, while fun and exciting, is stressful. Why must my taste be so expensive? I really try to like cheap furniture, but it is just so cheap.

4. We're supposed to close on our house today. Ready to have keys in hand and get everything moved on Saturday. It's all a tad bit surreal, and I keep telling people I can't believe it is all really happening.

5. I successfully completed the National Blog Posting Month. One post for every day of November. What an accomplishment. Feel free to check out some of my favorite posts this month (1 / 2 / 3 / 4).

thankful thursday (link up)

fence, brick, rock. almost there.

1. Our soon-to-be house. I've listed this one a lot, but with every week, I become more thankful for it. We're set to close later this week, and I simply can not wait. We had the chance to walk through the house on Wednesday afternoon/evening, and I simply can not believe it is going to be our house. I feel so unworthy of such a large space, but I also feel so blessed to have the opportunity to call this house my home.

We went to walk through the house last night and had an inspector come out as well. Not everything is done but it is getting there.

When we left around 6pm, people were still hard at work. I made sure to thank everyone I could for working so hard. There is something so humbling about seeing people do so much for you.

2. Gospel Centered Community. We have been a part of the same community group for almost four years now. Tuesday night, we talked about simplicity and what simplicity means for the church and for our own walk's with God. I needed the message and the reminder. With all the moving and buying and house stuff, it is easy to get lost and focus only the material possessions. Tuesday night reminded me to focus on what matters to God and not the things of the world.

I struggle with that a lot. It's gotten better over the years, but by no means am I perfect. Building this new house has excited me for many reasons - including the opportunity to shop for furniture. Tuesday reminded me of the blessing the house is and what we need to do with it and it's not just shopping.

nana and i at our rehearsal dinner 2008

3. My Nana. I called her on Monday evening as I was driving to work at the group home and wished her a belated Happy Thanksgiving. I have so many wonderful memories with her - like eating Popeye's Chicken while sitting on her couch and watching movies on the weekends I would stay with her.

When we talked on Monday, she told me how proud she was of me and how wonderful of a life I was building. I so needed to hear that. She always says something profound and something that reminds me to look at the whole picture and enjoy where I am.

4. My Dad. My parents live in Texas, so they have not seen the house yet except for in pictures. And yet, my dad has been a huge part of this process. He has given me tips and pointers on what to do, and I've done every single thing.

I called him last night when I left the house, and he told me that my husband and I were doing everything right with buying this house. That affirmation helped quench any lingering fears or doubts I have about buying the house. This is the right decision for us, but it is a huge purchase. Huge purchases are a little daunting.

I am also excited to see him soon. My parents are officially coming to visit us in our new house.

5. December. It sounds silly to be so excited for a month, but I simply can't wait. There is so much to be excited for. Those things include: moving into our house, decorating for Christmas, taking some much needed time off work, my parents coming to visit, hosting Christmas at our house, having a New Year's Eve party at our house, losing at least 10 pounds over the course of the month, living in our house, and looking at Christmas lights.

weight loss wednesday (week 13)

Today’s Weight: 219 lbs.

Total Loss: 46 lbs.

I lost the weight I had gained back plus another pound. Guess this means I am back on track!

What I craved this week: Lots of things. Some healthy; some not so healthy.

My healthy cravings: sushi, salad, soup.

My not so healthy cravings: Chik-Fil-A, queso and chips (which I did not eat).

What I noticed was different about my body: Nothing too different at this point in time. I'm less bloated than I have been in recent weeks which is always a good thing. I think some of my pants re getting to be a little big in the thighs.

Workouts planned for this week: I have become best friends with the elliptical again - since Monday of this week. I want to be an actual runner, but I'm not too ready to jump back onto a treadmill out of fear of hurting my knee. So I will be continuing my friendship with the elliptical. I have done two days of strength training so far this one - one day of upper body and one day of lower body. I plan to fit in some ab work and do another day of upper body strength training and another day of lower body strength training.

We are also supposed to move on Saturday if all goes well, so that will be a work out in and of itself.

Personal Goal(s) for this week: I joined a Weight Loss Challenge this week. It's 12 weeks long. Whoever loses the most gets the money. To help me along, and to keep me more accountable to myself, I've revamped my plan and have lowered the number of calories I consume every day to 1500. So far I have done well staying at that consumption and burning more calories. My goal is to keep that up.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week:

What I'm looking forward to: Closing on our new house is scheduled for later this week. If all goes as planned, we will be moved into our house on Saturday and then spend Saturday evening and Sunday unpacking. I'm so ready to be able to settle into the house and make it into our home.

In weight loss/health news, I have done a lot of soul searching this week. I wrote about why I started this journey and about my relationship with food. Those were difficult posts to write, but I feel so much lighter and so much more equipped to handle the next months of this journey. Opening up about things keeps me even more accountable, and accountability is key with weight loss.

I am also really excited about the Weight Loss Challenge. It provides me with more accountability and reminds me that I am not the only person on this journey. Finding people who understand where I am coming from weight wise is hard as most my friends don't have 100 pounds to lose, so I love knowing I can connect with others who have been there or are there.


How are you doing this week? Tell me about it in the comments. I would love to know!

the secret kept within her

Ever since I can remember, I've had a love/hate relationship with food. For whatever reason, I've always loved all the bad foods and hated (or at least not liked nearly as much) the good foods.

My eating has always been picky. And too often, while surviving my years as a teenager and doing my best to not get lost, I turned to food as a way of coping. That coping was often not eating or eating too much.

This relationship with food has continued to be the most difficult part in my weight loss journey to date. Counting calories is overwhelming. And it often feels impossible that so many calories could go into so little food.

Looking back on pictures from the past several years, I can tell where I was in my relationship with food. There were years when I was thinner. And years when I was close to being as big as I was at my highest weight. The years when I was thinner often came from picky eating or barely eating. And the bigger years came from when I ate because I just didn't know what else to do or how else to deal.

It's not something you talk about often. No one really wants to know that someone is struggling with any sort of an eating disorder. After all food is our friend. It's how we survive. We need it to make it through the days. It shouldn't be our enemy.

I struggle - nearly every day - with making the best choices for my body. Most days I lose the battle to eat the best foods I can. Most days I don't get as many servings of vegetables as I should. Most days I don't eat more than two servings of fruit. Most days I load up on more carbohydrates than lean protein.

A lot of it goes back to looking at food for comfort. I'm trying to move away from this perspective because food is not meant for comfort. Yes, it can provide that, but that shouldn't be it's main purpose. Seeing food as comfort leads to, in my case at least, a colossal weight gain.

I think it also goes back to seeing food as something to control. By using food as a means of control, I lose weight. A lot of weight. An unhealthy, impossible to maintain amount of weight. And once I realize I can't maintain it, I tend to swing all the way to the other side and use food as comfort.

This is a cycle I've gone through multiple times. It is also a cycle I refuse to go through again. Before, during those times that I saw food as control, I thought I looked good. But now, years later and pounds later, I see the exhaustion on my face and see how unhealthy my skin looked. I was thin, but I wasn't healthy.

I have dreams of being thin again. Though I never want to be thin like I was in high school. The kind of thin that leads to bags under eyes and a smile that seems to be forced more than natural. I want the natural smile I have now on a smaller face and smaller frame.

And I don't want to just be thin. I want to be fit, strong, lean, and healthy; those things are so much better than thin.

So I am changing my relationship with food and seeing it for what it really is.

And what is it? It's nutrition. It's strength. It empowers me and gives me energy. It fuels me to go another day. And it is something to enjoy. It is not the things I once thought it was.

My hope is that the more I see food in this way the easier it will become to eat lower calorie foods, to choose fruit and vegetables over anything fried, and to steer away from ice cream for breakfast (which was a staple in college).

Food is not the enemy. It is one of the ways I got to a point of needing to lose weight, and it is also a part of my why. But it is also one of the ways I will get to my goal weight. It is how I will accomplish losing at least 100 pounds.

(title from "never good enough" by rachel ferguson)

[PS: To anyone who is suffering or has suffered from an eating disorder of any kind, there is hope. There is always hope. And there is always life after; and that life is pretty great. Praying for all of you who are suffering or have suffered.]

it's always me

skinny face in the bright november sun.

On Sunday afternoon, my husband and I left the house for an afternoon date to Starbucks. We had talked about taking the dogs on a walk or going to a local nature park, but coffee, Wi-Fi, and reading outside all sounded better.

I've somehow lost the pound I regained in the midst of the holiday festivities. It's more of a miracle than anything else because I have spent more time on the couch over the four-day weekend than I have moving around.

I have considered exercising - every single day. But the more the hours tick by the less likely I am to head to the gym or leash up a dog for a walk. Thursday was a fluke as I took two walks - one with a dog and one without.

During the work week, it's easier. I do my best to head to the gym before 5pm and fit in a sweat session. Then I'll, on most days, make my way to my second job. Of course, I'm not sure how much good those sweat sessions do as I tend to graze a bit more than I might at home.

Not that I don't graze at home. Because I do. That seems to be my biggest problem of late: staying beneath the calorie goal. It is just so much easier to hit it exactly or go over it just a tad.

Obviously it's not working. My little (and sometimes not so little) cheats are keeping me right at a solid weight of 220. It's not my ideal weight but at least I know I can maintain.

Going into this next week, and the quickly approaching Christmas season, I have to figure this out. Drinking water helps. I know that. Little meals throughout the day help until I get to the evening hours. That's when the little meals don't help so much. They are what often lead to the calorie increases.

what a 45-pound loss looks like

Weight loss isn't impossible. I need only to read some of my favorite blogs to know that. So many other people - some with more weight to lose than I - have done this without a personal trainer and without leaving behind their daily lives to join the cast of The Biggest Loser. And a lot of people have done it with just as much on their plates as I have. There are a few who probably have more on their plates than I do.

I do wonder how. How do people get up in the mornings and go to the gym? How do people go out to eat and always say no to the much more delicious cheeseburger? Sometimes it seems like there's some sort of secret that I just don't know.

That's not true, though. There is no real secret. When I tell people I've lost 45 pounds so far, they almost always congratulate me and then ask me how. I always say it is about diet and exercise. And it truly is. That's the best way to drop weight. A lot of the people chuckle and agree. And then they say they can't do it. They're just too busy.

I've been that way a lot throughout this journey. I think that is one of the many reasons it's taken me so much longer than I planned. I wanted to lose all the weight in a year, but my year has come and gone and I am still not even halfway there.

That's okay though. It takes longer for everyone. I just have to remember why I started and that gives me so much strength to continue on.

throwback to college. 2005.

My why is simple and complex. It's simple because really why wouldn't I want to lose the weight. But it's also complex because for so much of my life I have been the bigger girl. The one who couldn't shop where her friends did. The one who talked about boys like they were my boyfriend so I could fit in even though everyone knew they were really just my friends.

I don't believe in feeling sorry for myself. Those years I spent being a bigger girl have made me who I am. I was blessed enough to find someone who saw me for me. Who has loved me for over four years and who has stood by my side as I have gained weight and lost weight. Someone who sees me as more than just a number on a scale.

engagement pictures in 2008

I spent so much time being ashamed. So much time hiding "my number." So much time denying how much I really weighed and just how unhealthy I was. That's quite possibly one of the reasons I am still working to lose the weight. A part of me now still has a hard time believing I was ever that big. But all I have to do is pull up old pictures to see the truth. It's one of the reasons I stopped taking pictures for so long. Years of my life are barely documented because I was ashamed of how I looked in pictures. I could deny the weight when I looked in the mirror but not when I looked at the camera.

I started to put on most of the weight between 2009 and 2010. Those were very hard years for me.

a rare picture from 2009 at a friend's wedding

I was married, living in a house that needed a lot more work than we could afford, and working a job that I both loved and hated. A job that kept me on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for very little money.

When I left that job in early 2010, it took me over a year to move on. A year to not jump every time the phone rang. A year to feel like I had my life back. Over a year to realize what was happening and how I would handle it all.

Sometimes I still feel like I am back in 2010. I am constantly looking for balance and relearning how to live a healthy life in the midst of working and building a house and being married. But I am in a much better place than I was in 2010.

Honestly healthiness is hard. It's hard to eat tuna fish and crackers instead of ordering off a menu at a restaurant. It's hard to drink water instead of a delicious diet coke. But looking back at these pictures reminds me of how hard it is to be unhealthy and also unhappy.

I spent time by myself Sunday morning and thought about where I am right now. I meditated for a while on where God is calling me and what I need to do with where I am. He reminded me of a story out of Numbers where in He communicates with the Israelites by covering their camp and uncovering their camp with a cloud. The cloud's presence, or lack thereof, tells them when they are to stay and when they are to move (Numbers 9:15-23).

I didn't get the clear answer I wanted. But I wasn't really surprised by that. God likes to be mysterious, and He likes to take His time to communicate. His timing is always best, after all. 

an even rarer 2010 picture

He did remind me, though, of where I am and how I got here. He reminded me of how He brought my jobs to me. And He reminded me of this blog and how important it is. That also reminded me of how important my health is and took me on this trip down memory lane.

I'll get to where I want to be weight wise. I know that. And I know I need to be more serious about it and put myself first. I also know He will take me where it is He wants me to go in His own time.

Looking at pictures of myself from the past few years is hard, but going back to the weight I was would be even harder. So I take that as one of my many reasons why. 

I will never be 265 pounds again.

I will never have a huge double chin again.

I will never wear a clothing size that starts with a 2 again.

Soon, I will never shop at or wear clothes from Lane Bryant again.

I will never have to buy plus-size clothes again.

I will never be so unhealthy because I eat nothing but fried foods again.

I will never be the fat girl again (though I know I may always carry her inside of me).

I also know that I am not my weight. That does not define who I am, what I do, or what I mean to people - even if other people dictate who I am by how I look and what the scale says.

I am going to fight to be healthy, fight to lose the weight, fight to regain who I am outside of my clothing size and number on the scale. And I am going to wait until God tells me to move. I am gong to stay the course with blogging. I am going to love on as many kids as I can, and I am going to build an amazing life with my husband.

When it's time to move on from jobs or blogging, God will let me know just as He let the Israelites know. Until then it is time for me to press on, push myself and lean into Him like never before.

(title from "save me" by ingrid michaelson)

sunday social (link up)

I stepped on the scale this morning and am officially back to 220. Somehow (and I'm not quite sure how) I lost the weight I had gained back. This gives me hope that when I do my weigh-in on Wednesday the number will be just a tad bit smaller.

I'm excited to get back to the gym on Monday. Until then, I plan to enjoy the house to myself this morning. So grateful for a quiet house, my dogs playing nicely outside, good quiet time with the Lord, and the chance to catch up on season two of Hart of Dixie without anyone around to make fun of my choice in television shows (ahem... my husband).

I'm going to enjoy the time I have to myself and relish in somewhat figuring things out while I link up with Neely and Ashley.

1. Name 4 jobs you’ve had in your life: Lifeguard, Assistant Teacher at a daycare, Child Welfare Specialist (aka social worker), Caring Van Program Specialist/Clinic Coordinator.

I've worked since I was 15. Of the numerous jobs I've had (some only lasting a few weeks), I have never enjoyed them as much as I do my current jobs. These 4 are my top picks.

(And yes that pale, pale face actually was a lifeguard. I promise I looked a lot tanner in real life.)

2. Name 4 movies you would watch over and over: The Wedding Date, The Holiday, Grease, Dirty Dancing.

I love movies. And television shows. I wish I could say I had a more refined taste in movies and television shows, but really all I ever really want to watch are coming-of-age stories and anything that a teenager might like.

3. Name 4 places you have lived: Upland, CA; Princeton, NJ; Katy, TX; Norman, OK.

I always thought I would live a million different places after graduating from college, but I stayed right around Oklahoma City, OK and Houston, TX. I had plans to move to Boston or New York City or Philadelphia. But instead I am here. And as much as I would love to live in the big city, I really love that we are building a house outside of the city and about to settle into smaller town life.

4. Name 4 of your favorite foods: A medium-rare steak, homemade macaroni and cheese, sushi, tomato basil soup.

I would love to say that I am able to make every one of those foods listed, but I really am not that skilled in the kitchen. Maybe one day. Until then, the way to my heart will always be going out to a nice sushi restaurant or eating a delicious steak.

Speaking of which I really want sushi. I need some more of it in my life as soon as possible. Date night tonight. Maybe? Or next weekend? (hint hint, husband)

5. Name 4 things you always carry with you: Wallet, iPhone, car keys, lip gloss.

And usually I carry all of those in a large purse that is littered with receipts, cough drops, and more pens than I really need. Of course I can never actually find what I need when I need it.

6. Name 4 places you have been on vacation: Suttons Bay, MI; New York City; Paris; Costa Rica

I did a lot more traveling in high school and college than I do now. It was a lot easier to do that when I didn't have bills and adult duties to attend to. Some of the other places I've been include Brasil, Greece, The Bahamas, Los Angeles, and Mexico.

Here's to hoping there are more vacations in my future along side my husband. We're in the early, early stages of looking at a little getaway in February.

a little update

I haven't been the best at completing my goals this weekend. Rather than running outside, I have spent the majority of the long weekend inside, sniffing and sneezing into a whole box (if not more) of Kleenex.

It started Tuesday morning and hasn't stopped since. I've gotten out of the house a few times to complete Black Friday shopping, but haven't done much else. There has been a lot of sleeping in, a lot of time with my husband, and a lot of watching episodes of Rules of Engagement on Netflix.

I needed the break. More than I realized. And I plan on enjoying every last second of the rest of the break - even if my nose is starting to resemble Rudolph.

Today I am starting over again with tracking every single calorie and staying under my calories. I've got plenty left for the day, and I plan to enjoy a healthy salad for dinner tonight. Needless to say the holidays were a bit more difficult than expected, but I'm getting back into the groove. No more beer or wine tonight. I've enjoyed a bit too much of both those things.

I'll be back on Sunday with more of an update. Until then, I hope you are enjoying the break and savoring every moment you can.

high five for friday (link up) - thanksgiving edition

1. My husband braved Super Target with me at 9:45pm last night. It was a madhouse. We didn't get exactly what we were looking for (couldn't find the fire pit and the TVs were all gone - surprise!), but we did find a good Christmas tree. And I finally decided on my theme. It's going to be a mixture of vintage and red/green sparkly. I am beyond excited. Can I please move into my house now so I can decorate?

2. I am finally going to see Breaking Dawn 2 today. Looking forward to a bit of a girls day (plus a sparkly vampire!) with my sister-in-law.

3. I spent lots of time with friends and family Thursday. We had the privilege of going to two Thanksgivings. And we ate lots of delicious things at both. We also drank lots of delicious beer and wine. It also made me that much more excited for hosting holidays at my house. And I loved that I got to spend the entire day with my husband. I am loving this time off with him.

4. My husband and I each took a dog on a walk Thursday before all the eating. I think I logged about 2 miles. And then after finishing our second dinner, we took another walk with friends. I may not have eaten the best between the two dinners, but at least I was active.

5. Pinterest is currently one of my best friends. I've been pinning for the new house, the holidays, work out ideas, and etc. like a fiend. I'm loving all the creativity it's providing me and feel like I am finally enjoying the domestic life. I am also loving my drink menu and dinner menu for the holidays. I have FriendsMas, family Christmas, and New Years Eve to plan!

thankful thursday (link up)

1. The Holidays. I have not always been the biggest fan of the holiday season, but this year, I am (finally!). Maybe it is because we will soon be in our own house and hosting Christmas. Or maybe I've just finally grown up and re-recognized the wonder that is the holiday season. I can not wait to hang the stockings I bought or decorate a Christmas tree or hang the wreath I made (and make a few more!).

2. My very own kitchen. It's not done in these pictures, but it should be close to done in real life now. Imagine black appliances and granite countertops with a travertine backsplash. I'm so ready to be able to cook in my own kitchen. I'm scouring pinterest for wonderful holiday recipes. I have Christmas and New Years to plan for! Last night I even dreamed about what I would cook in the oven and what I would make in the Crock Pot.
3. My family. My parents live in Texas, so I don't see them nearly as often as I would like. But they are always just a phone call away. Yesterday, my mom gave me tips about what red wine to pair with Thanksgiving Day dinner. My Nana also lives in Texas, but she is forever a source of inspiration for me. I know that if I ever need anything I can and will call her.  I am also thankful for my aunt, my uncle, and my cousins who are sprinkled across the west side of the country. And my grandparents who live in Florida during the winter months and then Michigan during the summer months. I have learned so much from every member of my family, and I wish more than anything that I could see them more often.
4. Our almost finished house. I have listed this before but have to mention it again. It is mind blowing that the house being built is where we will soon call home. It isn't our ultimate dream house... I mean - we can't afford the mansion I want just yet (maybe ever). But it is going to have space to grow, room to entertain, and will provide a place for others to come and stay and be entertained. And it is in a safe area. While I was there visiting Tuesday night, I saw families walking dogs and riding bikes. I met neighbors. And I fell even more in love with where we will call home.

5. Our two dogs. They drive me crazy with how they wake up every morning at 6am. And how they jump off and on and off and on the bed to make sure I am up too. They are stubborn, spoiled and do not like to listen. They sit on the couch and sleep in bed with us and think our house is really their house that they rent out to us. But they are ours and they make our family complete. They cuddle with me when I am sick and lick my face because they are so happy to see me. And they love me on my worst days and make me want to be a better person.
6. New clothes. There is just something about wearing a new outfit that brightens my day. And there is something about shopping that reminds me of how far I have come and how excited I am to continue my journey. I don't think material possessions are the ultimate. I know they aren't. But little presents for myself are so nice.
7. Casual date nights with my husband. I love getting dressed up and going out, but sometimes a quick dinner out (last night for pho) and then a movie at home are even better. Especially since we can then go to bed early.. like the old married couple we are.
8. Four day weekends. I know some of this weekend will be busy. We have a family dinner this afternoon and then visiting friends afterwards. But it's still four days away from the daily grind. I am planning on crafting, watching lots of Rules of Engagement on Netflix and not worrying about anything work related (determined not to check my work email at all this weekend). It's going to be glorious.

weight loss wednesday (week 12)

Today’s Weight: 221 lbs.

I gained a pound over the past week. I was kind of surprised I didn't gain more (you can see why here and here.) It's not the direction I want to go, but I chose to eat how I did so I know it's my responsibility to make better choices in the future. Even though now I want all the bad foods again. It's a vicious, vicious cycle.

Total Loss: 44 lbs.

What I craved this week: I consumed a lot of unhealthy foods this past week. Like pizza. I also had a huge (and delicious) cheeseburger with a side of fries on Saturday night.. along with a few beers and a mixed drink. I want to be able to enjoy myself when we go out with friends, so I do. This wouldn't be a problem except that I don't plan ahead throughout the week to have leftover calories to use on the weekends.

What I noticed was different about my body: I bought pants in a size 14. I could (and still can) hardly believe it. While I know I can not wear a size 14 in every single pant, at least I found I had to buy at least two pairs in a 14 as a size 16 was far too big.

Even with that success, I felt frumpy this week. It's probably because I haven't made it to the gym nearly enough. I blame my left knee and right foot for that. As well as myself for not managing my time better.

Workouts planned for this week: Last year, I ran a 5K on the elliptical the morning of Thanksgiving Day. I would love to start Thanksgiving Day off the same way, but we don't live close to a 24-hour gym. So I am hoping to take the dogs on a lengthy walk Thursday morning as long as my knee feels strong enough. I need to sweat, but the calorie burn is not worth injuring myself more. (Side note: I said Thanksgiving Day morning work outs were going to be a tradition, and I meant it. So I will figure out a way to sweat this year without hurting myself more/again).

Work has been bananas lately (can anyone name that Gwen Stefani song?). And I have done an awful job of making time for myself and for the gym. I have a four day weekend, so no more excusues. I'm going to make every day this weekend an active one in some form or fashion. I'm planning to work out Monday evening and Tuesday evening as well. Hopefully those plans will turn into reality! I miss the gym, weights, and the elliptical.

Personal Goal(s) for this week: I had a second week of not making my goals. If I keep this up, I will most definitely not be in one-derland by Christmas. So it's time to get serious. I am going to repeat my goals of the past two weeks. My goals (third time's a charm!) include: continuing to track what I eat, limit sweets, complete 20 minutes of vigorous activity twice over the next week, and have three days with a 1200 calorie deficit. I am also hoping to lower the number of calories I eat on at least two days from 1713 to 1513.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week:  Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time. -- Thomas Edison

The tragedy in life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach. -- Benjamin Mays

What I'm looking forward to: I have a four-day weekend after today. And I need the break desperately. Last weekened was wonderful but short. I am so excited for time to re-energize and focus on myself and my family.

We are inching closer to completion of our house. And I do mean inching. I plan on spending some time in prayer over everything because I can't do any of this (building a house, moving, losing weight) without His strength.

I am also going to really think about why I started. I read an amazing post by Rachel and Simple Little Joys yesterday and it has stuck with me. I need to focus on the why and the how and then make it happen.


How are you doing this week? Tell me about it in the comments. I would love to know!

outside the lines

Sometimes I feel like I set myself up for failure by talking about the lessons I have learned so far or how I plan to do better.

It seems that as soon as I say something of the sort, life gets busy and I find myself with less time to exercise and less time to plan out my meals. Or maybe it is just that I am hyper aware of everything.

Over the past few days, I've felt like I was failing. A hurt knee coupled with an extremely busy work schedule coupled with lots of time out with my husband and my friends has equaled no exercise and lots of eating.

I chose to do those things. And I chose to eat poorly when we went out as well as to have two beers and a cosmopolitan. I will never place blame for those things on anyone but myself. They were my choices.

Were those choices made because of how determined I was to not fail? I don't really have an answer.

Right now all I know is that this week has been everything I wanted it to be and everything I promised myself it wouldn't be. It was filled with friends, laughter, relaxation and an all around good time. That's what I wanted. But it was also filled with no working out and eating a few too many sweets which is what I promised myself it wouldn't be.

I don't want to dwell on the mistakes or on the week itself. I want to move forward. But I want to learn if I set myself up for disappointment and failure by placing so many wants and demands on myself.

What do you think? Do you think sometimes bringing issues to light makes it/them (whatever it or them may be) harder to overcome?

(title from "unwritten" by natasha bedingfield)

hello monday (week 5)

Hello, Monday.  It's a pretty well known fact that I am not your biggest fan. This week, however, I am happy to see you arrive. Your presence means I am only days away from a four-day weekend. I hope you are the start to a wonderful, short week. Please be good to me.

Hi, weekend. You were oh so much fun. I am hoping for more weekends like you in the near future. As much as I would like to move into The Skirvin Hotel, I think I will prefer celebrating you inside my very own home. Looking forward to (hopefully) moving and unpacking for an entire one of you soon.

Hello, left knee. I am pretty sure you hate me, and the feeling is quite mutual. I'm really sick of straining your muscles and falling after you give out on me. What can I do to get you to behave better? I really am willing to do anything. Here's to hoping the ice and muscle relaxers of Sunday help you to feel like a whole new knee (which is honestly probably what I need) over the next week.

Hi, new house. Thanks for letting me walk through you on Saturday. It's been so exciting, along with nerve wracking and overwhelming, to watch you come together. I loved getting to see your walls up and see all of our spaces defined. I'm pretty sure we have picked out your washer and dry now. Next we will be picking out a television and furniture. Can't wait to officially call you home and slowly (too slowly) furnish you!

Hello, husband. I loved getting away with you over the weekend. I think we should definitely do it again some time soon... after we settle into our new house of course. I'm always looking forward to our next adventures.

Hi, Weight Loss Wednesday. I haven't done a great job of meeting my goals this week. It's been partially due to injuries and partially due to laziness. I know the next few weeks will be hard with Thanksgiving and moving. But I know I can do this. I will be honest with my weigh-ins. There's no use in lying.

Hello, size 14 pants. I've wondered for a while when we would meet. And now we have. I am pretty sure I will only be wearing you for the next several daysweeks. Please don't shrink too much when I wash you.

Hi, Thanksgiving. Please don't tempt me too much with mashed potatoes, loaded sweet potatoes, turkey legs, or cheesecake. I really want to be good, so be as nice as possible. Please.